PRIVATE DICKHEAD

Private Dickhead is a fortnightly newsletter written by me. It's a long read (4,000 words) about the minutiae of history (troubled witch-hunters in the 1400s, the birth of the leotard, tiger tamers and the sordid back story of some of Melbourne's finest architecture), as well as my own personal history.

Here are some nice things subscribers say about Private Dickhead:

"A delightfully wonderful bedtime read"
"Can't wait for the next exciting instalment!"
"Honestly terrific"
"The mystery jar story brought tears to my eyes"
"I legitimately laughed out loud"
"My enjoyment in reading it can be paralleled only by my anticipation of the next"
"Thank you for these wonderful emails"
"This is keeping my brain from turning into baby mush"*
"I loved this. I actually annoyed the heck out of [my partner] laughing at the witch trial stories in bed"
"I had to reapply mascara this morning after reading Private Dickhead"

*From someone with a baby, rather than someone with a frightening and rare ailment.

You can subscribe or read an excerpt below.
 

"With even the unassumingly gorgeous bachelor Brother Nicholas now turned against him Kramer finally got the picture and left town, humiliated. He was so bummed he didn't get to murder any witches in Innsbruck that he dedicated his attentions to writing the Malleus Maleficarum. Finally, a place to examine to his heart's content whether witches enjoyed such activities as having sex with that cloven-hoofed playboy Satan, allowing small beasts to suckle from their supernumerary nipples, and magickally stealing penises, keeping them as pets and feeding them oats (I shall permit you to guess what conclusion our precious baby boy came to on each of these scalding topics). It’s worth noting that most of the cool stuff we think about when we think about witches (fun girly covens, dank jewellery, training goats to do your bidding) was not mentioned in the Malleus Maleficarum. A lot of that came later. Heinrich was mostly just worried about dick burgling.

The opinions in the Malleus Maleficarum were not widely held. Most members of the church were not especially interested in the phenomenon of many-teated women enjoying sexual congress with the Devil and were largely concerned with more traditional and clear-cut modes of heresy (embroidering “GOD IS DEAD” into one’s doublet lining, winking at Brother Nicholas during choir rehearsal etc). Even so, there were sufficient demonologists kicking about Europe who wanted to make their presence known to anyone who dared feed cereals to a disembodied wang to make the Malleus Maleficarum a bestseller. For over a century it lagged behind only the Bible in sales."

 

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